02/01/2010
Not regrets, exactly …
but things I did in 2009 that I won’t do in 2010.
1. Internet dating
Internet dating seems like a great idea with a much better chance of success than just happening to meet someone in a bar the way we used to when I was young and footloose. We can choose the characteristics we like in a person, from looks and body type, interests in books, movies, sport, occupation or industry and the ‘level’ of their job – not to mention marital status and whether or not they have kids, at home or grown. We can even choose the area they live in or nominate a distance from our home that we’re prepared to travel. Then just hit ‘search’ and see who is delivered into our inbox.
But there are at least two problems with this: first, it suggests that we know what we’re looking for and yet, how often do you hear of people who are very different, getting together, or that opposites attract? Selecting the characteristics we think we want necessarily means leaving out a whole lot of others that wouldn’t necessarily be deal-breakers if we met someone at say, a barbecue. Second, all of the characteristics in a profile are, of course, self-disclosed and many of them are also entirely subjective. For someone better known for the depth of my cynicism, I can apparently also be amazingly naïve because it never occurred to me that people wouldn’t be truthful. Some inconsistencies are revealed by posted pictures, but one can never be quite sure how recent (or not) the pictures are. Even when they seem up to date, photographs aren’t foolproof.
Thus it was that I met one man whose profile had him as 5’ 6’’ in height but into whose eyes I could only gaze if my chin touched my neck – and I’m 5’4’. I ignored my instincts when they protested that if he lied about his height (which was so easily shown to be wrong) then he might well lie about other things. For once, I thought, I’ll try not to be so shallow – after all, he seems to be well read and he certainly writes well, he’s good at word play and if he’s short, well, he seems able to joke about it so he’s probably comfortable with himself. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Without going in to the gory details, he soon revealed his need to be the alpha male, going so far as to reply ‘testosterone’ when I asked him what I could smell and actually strutting a bit, like a bantam rooster. Oh dear.
Bruised but not broken from that encounter, I gave it another shot after about six months. The privacy afforded by talking to someone over the internet or email invites a sort of artificial informality, even intimacy, which can be liberating if you’re a shy sort of person. If you seem to get on well though, there’s no real excuse for not following up these cyber-conversations with an in person meeting. So it was that after chatting in cyberspace with the next fellow and getting on famously, we met for dinner. Is it just me or does ‘average’ body type imply not having a belly that overhangs the trousers and looks like it’s trying hard to reach the floor? I mean, what would ‘a bit overweight’ mean in this guy’s world? Inwardly sighing and trying to hush the inner voice that told me to just get the hell out of there, I sat down, we chatted and ate our meals but having learned my lesson from last time, I left as soon as common courtesy permitted.
Since then I’ve learned that my experiences are far from abnormal. The very fact that it’s possible to scroll through tens (if not hundreds) of profiles invites the belief that internet dating is like shopping and you’re bound to find what you want if you just look for long enough. Apart from that unrealistic expectation, it also fosters the belief that whatever (whoever) you’ve got, there’s a better one out there somewhere. So perhaps it’s not that surprising that when someone creates their profile, they do so with someone’s ‘ideal partner’ in mind and that things go awry when that proves unsustainable.
Not everyone will share my objections but I know for sure now that internet dating isn’t my thing. To me, it seems like another example of the triumph of form over substance and there’s enough of that in life as it is.
jennie said,
04/01/2010 at 5:15 p01
very funny anita! we all know or have heard of people who met on an internet dating site and gee, their relationship seems to be going well – why not mine? because, as with all dating, you get what you settle for, and you and i dont settle for less.
Anita Spitzer said,
04/01/2010 at 5:15 p01
It’s not that I have a problem with ‘settling’ necessarily – I’d just like to know what I’m potentially settling *for*. I don’t want to have to readjust my assessment when I meet a guy because he’s been too vain/deluded/dishonest to be truthful in his profile. And I do try not to be shallow but there are people who’s appearance appeals to us (or could appeal) and there are those that don’t. However shallow it might seem, we’re dishonest ourselves if we deny that.
jennie said,
04/01/2010 at 5:15 p01
I know. I have done a lot of internet dates. Most people have little self-awareness (even of their height!). Sometimes I think the good looking guys have so many options that they dont have to try that hard. But yes, they are the ones that are attractive! The situation changed for me when I decided I wasnt dating to find someone “suitable”, just to have fun.